Sarkisian Defends Texas Player’s Celebration: “We’re Just Proud He’s Potty Trained”
TEXAS– After one of his Longhorn record-tying five sacks against Tennessee, Texas defensive end Colin Simmons appeared to celebrate by pretending to urinate on the field. But head coach Steve Sarkisian claimed his star defender was misunderstood and was instead celebrating a milestone: He was finally potty trained.
“When Colin arrived in Austin, he was still wearing Paw Patrol pull-ups under his game pants,” Sark said in the post-game press conference. “But he’s been busting his butt with the training staff all year to get better. And just last week, he finally made pee-pee in the big boy potty. During the game, he was so excited to mime what he’d learned to do on national television.”
When asked about senior running back Raleek Brown celebrating a touchdown by mimicking sniffing his groin area before pretending to pass out, Sarkisian also claimed his player was misunderstood. “Raleek was in no way being disrespectful. In fact, he was honoring his grandfather who contracted syphilis while serving our country in Vietnam and died. The disease caused his dick and balls to rot, leading to a distinct odor to waft from Grandpa Stanley’s crotch.”
The Texas head coach rejected any claims his team was out of control, turning the blame back onto the media. “Frankly, I’m tired of how everyone is treating my players. First, you came after Arch for joking about a funny video showing me slapping the shit out of a woman. Now you think a kid happy about being potty trained and a young man honoring his veteran grandfather is somehow shameful? No. You all should be ashamed of yourselves.”
At press time, Texas players were seen rehearsing a touchdown celebration simulating taking a dump and eating it, to bring awareness to the 20th anniversary of the classic movie ‘2 Girls, 1 Cup’.
