Nick Sirianni Picked To Be New Gerber Baby
PHILADELPHIA—After an exhaustive nationwide search, baby food giant Gerber has found the new infantile face that will grace its label jars, and it belongs to Eagles head coach Nick Sirianni.
The decision came as a surprise to some, considering Gerber babies have traditionally been a child aged 0-36 months, and Sirianni is much older than that. In fact, Sirianni is 540 months old.
“The number on Nick Siranni’s birth certificate may indicate he is a fully grown, mature man,” Gerber president and CEO Sandra Gomez said. “But emotionally, he has all the attributes we look for in a Gerber Baby. He’s fussy. He whines when he doesn’t get his way. And as his game day facial expressions make abundantly clear, on the sidelines he often makes poopy.”
Sirianni’s wife Brett Ashley believes her husband was born for the role. “People don’t know this, but I’ve been feeding Nick baby food for years. Especially when he’s gassy. I fasten his bib around his neck, usually his Peppa Pig one if it doesn’t have pit up on it, and I spoon feed him a couple bites from a jar of Butternut Squash. It soothes him.”
But not everyone is happy about Gerber’s decision. “I’m pissed the hell off,” said Darla Smoot, mother of actual baby Tina Smoot. “Make no mistake: Nick Sirainni is the biggest fucking baby in the world. But figuratively. Not literally. Him being chosen to represent a baby food brand is some stone-cold bullshit.”
At press time, Sirianni was seen squeezing into his complementary Gerber onesie.
