Giants Accidentally Sign J.J. McCarthy, Front Office Meant to Sign Melissa
NEW YORK–In a blunder for the ages, the New York Giants admitted they accidentally signed J.J. McCarthy on Monday, and intended to sign Bridesmaid’s star Melissa McCarthy.
“Of course we didn’t want J.J. McCarthy. Have you seen him play?” head coach John Harbaugh explained, scowling. “He throws more interceptions than touchdowns. He wears so much eye black all over his face the Vikings kept getting calls from the NAACP. And he calls himself ‘Nine’ like a crazy person. Why the hell would we trade for him intentionally?”
Sources within the Giants organization claim AI auto-corrected ‘Melissa’ to ‘J.J,’ in the trade filing, resulting in the devastating mix-up. “We studied the tape and Melissa’s a million times better prospect than J.J.,” Harbaugh continued. “For one, she’s a great teammate, as she showed with Sandra Bullock in The Heat. Nobody likes Nine, not even his parents.”
Harbaugh praised Melissa McCarthy’s accuracy. “We all saw Bridesmaid’s when she hiked up her dress, squatted on the sink and shot diarrhea out of her back door. It went right down the drain. Zero splatter. If that was J.J. who’d had food poisoning, he’s so inaccurate he’d have painted the walls brown.”
At press time, the Giants were seen frantically trying to nullify J.J.’s contract before Nine completely ruins their already dismal season. Meanwhile, move over Sandra Bullock: Melissa was staying in game shape by throwing swing routes to her would-be new partner, Cam Skattebo.
