Nick Sirianni’s Sideline Outburst Blamed on “A Really Bad Case of PMS”
PHILADELPHIA—Eagles coach Nick Sirianni appeared to be screaming obscenities toward Bears linebacker D’Marco Jackson after a hit on quarterback Jalen Hurts that forced Hurts to leave the game for a concussion evaluation on Monday night. Afterward, Sirianni blamed his behavior on something unexpected: his PMS.
Sirianni has a long history of questionable sideline antics, from animated player arguments, referee confrontations, and mocking Eagles fans. And while some blame his unprofessional antics on immaturity, or, as former Eagles WR AJ Brown put it, being a “fucking douchebag dickwad”, a new medical report leaked to the media puts the blame on something else entirely – his period.
Premenstrual syndrome is a combination of physical, emotional, and behavioral changes that many people experience in the days before their menstrual period.
His wife Brett Ashley, for one, is happy his diagnosis is now public. “Nick was initially embarrassed when his condition was leaked. But I think it’s the best thing that could have happened to him,” she said from Costco while shopping for a family-sized box of feminine hygiene products.
“He wasn’t cussing out an opposing player or mocking and chirping and cupping his ear at his own fans after narrowly beating the last place Browns last year because of a personality defect. It was just that he was menstruating and his hormones were all over the place. Give the guy a break!”
Eagles owner Jeffrey Lurie also weighted in: “Acting smug in postgame interviews, ripping officiating crews, having to be physically separated from his own players, and making more crybaby faces than the toddlers at KinderCare? It was never Nick’s fault. It was PMS all along.”
Lurie encouraged fans to show Sirianni some compassion. “We all have a woman in our lives who suffers from PMS. Nick is no different.”
In the postgame press conference, Nick defended his actions and promised to do better. “The emotion of the game probably got the better of me today and I have to learn from that. My mother gave me some tips on how to deal with my PMS cramps and bloating, like yoga, watching Sex and the City, and massaging my uterus.”
At press time, Sirianni is said to be capitalizing on this new development by starring in a TV commercial. In the spot, it shows him horseback riding, wind surfing, and coaching the Philadelphia Eagles all while wearing a Tampax tampon.
