CIA Under Fire For Subjecting Detainees To Pat McAfee’s New Album

WASHINGTON DC–Senate Democrats demanded a criminal investigation into government interrogators Tuesday after the Trump administration acknowledged for the first time that Pat McAfee’s new album, The Diary of a Polarizing Figure, was used on three terror suspects.

In congressional testimony Friday, CIA Director John Ratcliffe became the first administration official to publicly acknowledge the agency used the sports personality’s music to force detainees to talk.

Forms of Pat McAfee-based torture vary but generally consist of immobilizing an individual in a chair and forcing them to listen to the album to induce the sensation of dying. Listening for two seconds produces a gag reflex. Ten seconds makes the victim believe death is imminent. Experts warn listening to a full song can cause irreparable psychosis.

Ratcliffe said he banned the technique after he noticed blood trickling out of a terror suspect’s ears, but National Intelligence Director Jay Clayton told senators during the same hearing Tuesday that Pat McAfee’s album remains in the CIA arsenal – so long as it as the specific consent of the president and legal approval of the attorney general.

“You’ve seen the show 24. Sometimes Jack Bauer waterboarding the dude isn’t enough,” Ratcliffe continued. “You can hand out abdominal slaps like Oprah and it doesn’t move the meter. You can strip them nude and make them form an all-male butt-naked cheerleading pyramid like I did at Ole Miss fraternity parties, and they stay quiet as a mouse. That’s why we call McAfee’s album ‘the closer’. No human can endure it in its entirety.”

Military experts anticipate McAfee’s horrible fucking music may save 437,000 American lives this year alone. “We’ve already uncovered plots to assassinate the president, bomb the Statue of Liberty and attack the American Embassy in Baghdad,” Ratcliffe explained. 

But it doesn’t stop there. “We recently had a man turn himself in and admit to planning a terrorist plot that wasn’t even on our radar, simply because he was paranoid that he’d be caught and tortured with McAfee’s uniquely horrendous blend of auto-tuned old-man country-rap.”

Clayton, the nation’s spy chief, admitted in Friday’s testimony that forcing detainees to listen to McAfee’s album could be construed as cruel, inhuman, and demeaning. But he deemed it necessary. “If we made them listen to the whole thing, the result could be death; you could literally turn their brains into scrambled eggs. But we only play enough of his song to get them to talk. Which is typically 4.3 seconds.”

According to reports from Pentagon officials, the first bar of the 40-year-old McAfee’s song Dookie, which goes, after an awkward series off ‘ooh-oohs’: ‘I’m all the way in Eugene, smoking on some new green’  is enough to make the most hardened detainee sing like a canary. “At that point, they are wailing and sobbing like gassy babies and begging us to turn it off. They’re willing to tell us everything, just to stop the pain. The Diary of a Polarizing Figure is literally the best weapon to combat global terror we’ve ever had.”

At press time, Senate Democrats were petitioning the United Nations to classify The Diary of a Polarizing Figure as an unequivocal form of torture and absolute violation of international human rights law.  

Meanwhile, the Pentagon had approved replacing bombs armed with enriched uranium and arming them instead with McAfee’s new album to be used in war as a weapon of mass destruction.