Jaxson Dart Hit So Hard He Donates To AOC

EAST RUTHERFORD, N.J.—Jaxson Dart was hit so violently by Vikings safety Jay Ward on Saturday that he donated to democratic socialist Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez.

“Jaxson stumbled to the sidelines, borrowed my cell phone and Venmo’d money to AOC’s super PAC. I sent him straight to the medical tent,” Giants Head Trainer Dava Archibald said. 

In the blue tent, the situation escalated. Jaxson, whose appearance at a MAGA rally on May 22nd caused friction in the Giants locker room, showed signs of head trauma with his dilated pupils and demands for universal healthcare, the elimination of college tuition, and raising the federal minimum wage. 

A concerned Head Coach John Harbaugh spoke with Dart to get a sense of the injury’s severity. “I looked into Jaxson’s eyes and asked if he was okay to go back into the game. He answered by saying we should increase taxes on corporations and high-net-worth individuals to expand social safety nets. That’s when I got worried.”

When Dart suggested the US should invest heavily in renewable energy to transition away from fossil fuels, Harbaugh slapped him vigorously and said, “Snap out of it, son! Dust off your dopey diamond chain, get out there, and do the goddam gritty!” He then sent him back into the game, saying a silent prayer that his star QB would go back to his normal self.