Cam Skattebo’s Concussion Enters Concussion Protocol
LOS ANGELES—Celebrated Giants running back Cam Skattebo has broken tackles, records and barriers as a melanin-challenged running back in the NFL, and Monday, he found a way to break new ground. After delivering a particularly brutal hit with the crown of his helmet to secure a hard-fought one-yard loss for the Giants, Skattebo was sent to the medical tent for a comprehensive neurological exam.
And team doctors were astounded to discover Skattebo’s concussion had suffered a concussion.
“I’ve been a medical professional for fifty-two years and I’ve never seen anything like it,” Dr. Scotty Archibald said. He attributed this first-of-its-kind feat to the fact that, in his professional opinion, Skattebo emerged from his mother’s womb with a full-blown case of CTE. “The man is a modern miracle. He literally walks around with a concussion. It’s his base-level of cognition. Meaning, twenty-four-hours a day, three-hundred-sixty-five days a year, Cam Skattebo is constantly concussed. And he’s been living with this condition since birth.”
Skattebo’s mother, Darlene Scattebo, confirmed his infant diagnosis via Skype from her home in Rio Linda, CA. “In spite of his infant-onset CTE, I knew baby Cam was destined for greatness the day he smashed his head right through the wall of his crib like a cherubic Kool-Aide Man.”
“Before rookie minicamp, I gave Mr. Skattobo the same neurological test I give all incoming rookies,” Dr. Archibald continued. “And I found that even when his brain was firing on all cylinders, he couldn’t repeat the sequence of words ‘chicken’, ‘barn’, and ‘cow’ in the ascribed order. In fact, he didn’t even repeat three human words. Instead, Mr. Skattebo’s responses consisted of a burp, a fart, and eating my tongue depressor.”
In good news for Fantasy Managers, Skattebo has been cleared to play next Sunday against the Titans. His concussion, however, entered the NFL’s mandatory Concussion Protocol, and will be out indefinitely.
At press time, Skattebo’s concussion was mulling retirement.
