Start ’em / Sit ’em: Pro Sports To Watch
We all love watching sports. But what do you do when there’s no football on? Here’s a handy guide to what sports you should watch, and avoid, when football isn’t on.
❌ SIT ‘EM
MLB
Only watch this sport as a substitute for a glass of warm milk if you have insomnia and are seeking deep, deep REM sleep. With its 162 game season, winning or losing any particular game is basically meaningless. And it’s such an easy sport to play, teams can play two whole games in one day and still have time to go home and abuse. You can’t even play one NFL game and not dislocate your elbow. Plus these bums mak $100 million by failing 80% of the time. Baseball is an affront to American exceptionalism.
NBA
Another sport with so many games (82) that the stakes are near zero. Add that to the fact that over 65% of the teams make the playoffs anyway, why waste your time watching? Maybe that’s why none of these prima-donnas bother to play defense and just jack up 3s all game. Plus the flopping, constant fouls, tanking, players on the take for gamblers, fixed games to help the Lakers advance (allegedly), and no-calls on seven-step traveling that should require luggage, a passport and neck pillow, this league is a certified joke.
NASCAR
3 hours watching dudes drive around in a circle. Hard pass.
SOCCER (ANY OF IT, INCLUDING YOUR CHILD’S REC LEAGUE)
Watch a game for 90+ minutes and it ends in a 0-0 tie? I can think of a million better ways to waste my time including rooting for the Browns. And that’s not mentioning the constant flopping, fake injury crying like Caleb Williams, and mysterious ‘extra time’ where referees make up how much longer the game will go on after they already blew the whistle ending it.
✅ START ‘EM
WNBA
This league has everything: Flying dildos. Women clotheslining each other. Weird team names like “Tempo”, and enough junior-high-level layups making SportsCenter Top 10 to make you think, ‘hey, maybe I’m not such a bad athlete after all’.
KING OF THE HILL TRAILER RACE
Drivers race around a track. The first one to successfully park their car onto a moving flatbed trailer (towed by a pickup truck) wins. But the other cars are trying to block their competitors, make them crash, and ram them out of the way as everyone scrambles to be the king of the hill. It’s like an event out of the Redneck Olympics, and it’s as exciting as shooting bottle rockets at your little brother.
SLAP FIGHTING
A combat sport where two contestants stand face-to-face and take turns delivering open-handed strikes to each other’s faces (below the eyes but above the chin). Flinch? That’s a penalty. Matches typically go 5 rounds and only end on via KO or TKO who can’t recover in 60 seconds, pass a neurological assessment by a doctor, or deliver their own slap. So it’s basically what you and your siblings used to do in the living room for fun when your mom went to the grocery store.
