Travis Kelce Placed On IR After Swift-Mandated Testicular-Reduction Surgery
KANSAS CITY—Travis Kelce had successful surgery Thursday to reduce the size of his testicles as per Taylor Swift’s request, team doctors reported via press release.
Coach Andy Reid told reporters that Travis returned home and was resting comfortably with Taylor’s purring kitty Meredith Grey on his lap while sipping Chamomile tea from a mug playfully adorned with the words “And I’m Just Like Damn, it’s 7AM” in bouncy calligraphy.
This is the first testicle-reduction surgery for the 7-time All-Pro tight end. Sources inside Swift’s camp reported the pop star was worried before their nuptials that Travis’ high-energy frat bro persona would grate her nerves, and the wedding hinged on his willingness to medically reduce his testosterone.
While some in the locker room questioned Kelce’s decision, Rashee Rice had his teammate’s back. “Have you seen Taylor’s net worth? I’d flambé my own genitals in a skillet for $2 billion dollars.”
The NFL Players Association is aware of the situation and has been in touch with Kelce and his representation. “Our main immediate priority is supporting Travis’ health, recovery, and burgeoning interest in sourdough bread making,” an NFLPA spokesperson said.
At press time, Travis was seen holding Taylor’s handbag at a vintage antique store before excusing himself to the little boy’s room to urinate while seated.
