Mike Tomlin’s Minecraft Addiction Exposed: The Real Reason Why He Spent 12 Years Building A Fake City
PITTSBURGH–The sports world is abuzz with the news that ex-Steelers head coach Mike Tomlin spent 12 years building a pretend city in Minecraft, a video game popular with 6-year-olds and a subset of adults who have never touched a woman intimately.
And now we know why: he was obsessed with creating a safe space away from his bat-shit-crazy players.
“The Minecraft Villagers may have square heads, but I can tell you this: none of them smoke ayahuasca,” Tomlin explained. “If you had to listen to some sad lunatic share his wild theories about hidden civilizations beneath Antarctica, you’d escape to fantasy-land, too.”
Tomlin continued, irate: “You think it’s fun to spend a decade with Ben Roethlisberger? Getting drunk, raping women, and peeing on teammates in the shower while laughing like the dude from Beavis and Butthead? He’s a tough hang.” Tomlin wasn’t done. “To all my haters out there, I’d like to see you spend years in the presence of a psychopath like Antonio Brown and not yearn for pixelated peace.”
When Tomlin first started playing Minecraft back in 2014, he discovered his time in the Steelers locker room prepared him to interact with the NPC’s known as ‘Villagers’, who communicate entirely through a series of grunts.
“TJ’s not a man of many words. Or syllables,” Tomlin shared. “‘Hey, TJ, how’s the knee?’ ‘Hnnn.’ ‘TJ, ‘TJ, what’s your favorite color?’ ‘Hnnn.’ He speaks like if Frankenstein’s monster had CTE. So I found trading with Minecraft Villagers to be second nature.”
At press time, Tomlin was seen on his sofa in his underwear, concentrating intently on building a Minecraft pilates studio and organic juice bar, while his wife of 30 years served him divorce papers.
