Jalen Hurts Reportedly Gives Himself Blood Clots Just To Avoid Nick Sirianni
PHILADELPHIA–Eagles quarterback Jalen Hurts is being shut down for the remainder of the NFL season after doctors discovered multiple blood clots in his lungs, and sources within the Eagles locker room claim it’s no accident.
NFL Network’s Ian Rapaport has reported that the signal caller gave himself the blood clots in a desperate attempt to not have to spend any more time with head coach Nick Sirianni.
“Jalen can’t stand Coach Sirianni,” and unnamed Eagle explained. “His whiney-baby face, his taunting the fans, talking shit to opposing players and getting into shouting matches with his own players was too much for Jalen. I mean, dude was annoying when we were winning. Now that we’re a dumpster fire team? Jalen gave himself deep vein thrombosis as well as bilateral pulmonary emboli just so he doesn’t have to see Sirianni on a daily basis.”
Hurts reportedly considered other means of distancing himself from his head coach before deciding on the blood clots. “He first contemplated pulling his own hamstrings, but decided that wouldn’t give himself enough time away from Nick,” an Eagles insider with knowledge of the situation shared.
“Then he Googled ‘amputating your own foot’, but the frugal QB concluded that would immediately make half his shoe collection obsolete. Jalen even consulted with Cam Skattebo about how to give himself a concussion and talked to Tyreek Hill about the proper way to beat up his wife without permanently maiming her, but ultimately decided blood clots were the most effective way to not have to see Sirianni for a long, long time.”
At press time, Sirianni’s wife Brett Ashley was on the phone with Hurts asking for tips on how to give herself terminal cancer.
