DEAR RAIDER FAN

In this weekly column, readers write letters asking for help with personal problems, and get practical life advice straight from the Black Hole.

DEAR RAIDER FAN: My husband and I have been married for 12 years and have three children. At first, he was the best hubby and dad, coaching soccer and going for bicycle rides with the family on weekends. Lately he spends all his time playing fantasy football. PPR, Half-PPR, Keeper, Redraft, Dynasty, Best Ball, Guillotine, Vampire, it’s all he talks about.

I just want him to be the attentive man I fell in love with. I deserve better, and so do our children. Please help.

– EXASPERATED WIFE

DEAR EXASPERATED:
The best way to get someone to pay attention to you is not by nagging. You have to play nice. Send the kids to grandma’s for the night. Put on a red dress. Pour him some wine. Then when the mood is right, scream “RAIDER NATION FOR LIFE” and shank that puto. Right in the jugular. Again and again until his eyes close forever. His punk ass won’t play no more fantasy football then. You’re welcome. No charge.