Bill Belichick’s New Girlfriend So Young She Hasn’t Been Born Yet

CHARLOTTE, NC—Eight-time Super Bowl champion head coach Bill Belichick found himself in hot water Wednesday after paparazzi photos surfaced showing him on a date with a new mystery love interest, despite being in a current relationship with Jordon Hudson. 

And it seems the 49-year age gap he shares with former cheerleader Hudson wasn’t enough for the former Patriot head coach, as sources say 74-year-old Belichick is now dating someone 75 years younger… a human fetus. 

“You could tell Belichick was smitten,” an anonymous waiter at Nobu said. “He was absolutely beaming across the table at his date, whom he could see on an ultrasound monitor as the expectant mother rubbed a hand-held probe around her belly.” When asked if he agreed with those who thought Belichick’s date was too young for him, the waiter replied, “Judge not lest ye be judged, that’s what my priest always says when I catch him doing something super weird.”

Addressing the sizable age-gap, Belichick’s employer, UNC Athletic Director Steve Newmark said, “The heart wants what the heart wants. And what my heart wants is a winning season.” He then broke into a laugh that sounded a lot like that of Hazzard County lawman Rosco P. Coltrane.

For her part, Belichick’s girlfriend of record, Jordon Hudson, doesn’t think the affair will last. “What do they have in common, really? According to the pictures I’ve seen, his new side piece is so young that she still has a tail.”