START ‘EM / SIT ‘EM: ADDICTIONS

PORKY • June 28, 2026

Here’s a handy guide to help you choose your vice wisely.

START ‘EM

Sex – You can hump Judy in accounting like a horny bonobo and your wife is obligated to feel sorry for you because you suffer from a legally recognized medical diagnosis. Sounds like you hit the lottery.

Gambling – what other addiction is practically guaranteed to make you rich? (You will get rich, bro. You really will. That twelve team parlay has to hit one of these goddam days.)

Alcohol – It was good enough for dad, it’s good enough for you. And spoiler alert: your personality is like soggy cardboard without it.

SIT ‘EM

Social Media – why waste your time looking at some smiley middle-aged doofus do a choreographed dance with his dopey kid when you could be laying down a sick 12 team parlay? (Trust your gut, bro. This time it’s gonna hit, I swear.)

Plastic Surgery – Look at Tom Brady’s face. He’s been under the knife so much he looks like he’s wearing a rubber Tom Brady Halloween mask from 2017 at this point. 

Heroin – Sure it feels better than sex and watching Shedeur fall to the 5th round combined, but eventually you’ll be in stall 4 at the Greyhound station men’s room giving Gluck Gluck 9000. (Or is it stall 3? Asking for a friend.)

What’s your favorite addiction? Oink about it in the comments below.