Start ’Em, Sit ’Em: Which Addictions Deserve a Spot in Your Lineup?

Your definitive guide to making smarter decisions about terrible decisions.

✅ START ‘EM

Sex – Hump Judy in accounting, and your wife is obligated to feel sorry for you because you suffer from a legally recognized medical diagnosis? Sounds like you hit the lottery, friend-o.

Gambling – What other addiction is practically guaranteed to make you rich? (You will get rich, bro. You really will. That twelve team parlay has to hit one of these days.)

Alcohol – It was good enough for dad, it’s good enough for you. And spoiler alert: your personality is like soggy cardboard without it.

Fantasy Football – Your 12 standard leagues weren’t giving you enough dopamine, so you dipped your toe in a gateway Superflex 2 QB league and got sucked into a Campus-to-Canton League managing an NFL dynasty roster and a college one, and you haven’t seen your kids in a week and your wife hates you. But YOLO! Don’t let the fun vampires steal your happy.

❌ SIT ‘EM

Social Media – Why waste your time watching some middle-aged doofus do a choreographed dance with his dopey kid on TikTok when you could be laying down a sick 12 team parlay? (Trust your gut, bro. This time it’s gonna hit, I swear.)

Plastic Surgery – Tom Brady looks like he’s wearing a rubber Tom Brady Halloween mask at this point. If it happened to the GOAT, it’ll happen to you. 

Porn – While your mission to improve the lives of women by obsessively watching adult films to keep the actresses employed is a noble one, have you seen the price of Kleenex lately?

Heroin – Sure shooting up makes you feel almost as good as you did watching Shedeur fall to the 5th round, but eventually you’ll be in stall 5 at the Greyhound station men’s room giving sloppy toppy. (Or is it stall 3? Asking for a friend.)

What’s your favorite addiction? Oink about it in the comments below.