Jerry Jones Sells Majority Stake in Cowboys to Fulfill Lifelong Dream of Becoming Minority Owner
DALLAS—In news that stunned the sports world, longtime Cowboys owner Jerry Jones sold a majority stake in the franchise Tuesday.
But despite now owning a mere 5% of the team, sources say Jones has never been happier. “My childhood dream came true today,” Jones explained in a press conference. “I always wanted to be a minority owner.”
He then launched into a history of the Jones family. “My great-peepaw Robert E. Lee Jones was a minority owner, my Peepaw Johnny Rebel Jones was a minority owner, and while my father David Duke Mason-Dixon Piggly Wiggly Moon Pie Jones wasn’t technically a minority owner, he did pay our colored nanny a salary of two sacks of cornmeal per month. So that counts in my book.”
When media members explained that ‘minority owner’ meant he now owned less than a 50% stake in the Cowboys, and didn’t mean he now owned actual human beings of color, Jones drawled, “Well sheee-it, why didn’t anyone tell me that GOD-dammit!” downed his mint julep and loosened his black ribbon bow tie in frustration.
