Bruce Arians Thinks He Has Itch To Coach Again, Realizes It’s Just Hemorrhoids
ARIZONA–Former Bucs coach Bruce Arians expressed a desire to coach in the NFL again Thursday. “Now that I’m all healthy again, I’ve got the itch again,” Arians said. “So, we’ll see.”
But after about thirty seconds, he realized the itch he was feeling was actually located on his rump. Like many elderly men, Arians, 74, suffers from hemorrhoids.
“I experience itching around my anus that is sometimes quite intense,” he over-shared. “I mistook that itch for a sign I wanted to coach again.”
Arians said he has yet to speak to any NFL team and then said this is the first time he’s ever mentioned his itch to anyone. Arians retired abruptly from Tampa Bay in 2023 due to an Achilles injury that prevented him from standing on the sidelines without severe pain.
Arians’ “itch” began in September after attending high school football games where his son is a coach. Arian misses being around players and attending football games revived those emotions. And that’s when he first felt the itch.
But the timing coincided with him eating three helpings of snack bar spicy nachos and six corn dogs.
“I got confused, frankly,” Arians admitted. What I thought was an itch to coach again was just my itchy bottom.”
According to Ian Rapoport, Arians’ itch went away with a dollop of Preparation H and a 15-minute warm bath where he soaked his anal area.
At press time, current Buccaneers coach Todd Bowles, who has gone a disappointing 3-6 this season, was seen at UPS sending the Super-Bowl-Winning Arians a care package filled with spicy, constipating foods.
