Josh Allen One Card Away From UNO Victory Before Historic Collapse
BUFFALO—MVP quarterback Josh Allen is no stranger to heartbreak. And yet there he was at his kitchen table Tuesday night, quiet, humbled, and devastated after losing his family’s annual Uno game that he simply should have won.
“He was dominating the entire game like Super Man,” his little sister Makenna laughed. “Until the end when he fucking blew it!”
When the game was over, Allen trudged silently to the refrigerator, his head down and his hands tucked into his pockets. When he returned a few minutes later drinking a Yoo Hoo, his face was streaked with tears.
“I feel like I let myself down tonight,” Allen said, his voice catching as he gripped the sides of the table and stared at his lap. “I’m extremely sorry,” he said. “Can’t win playing a green 5 when the color is blue. You shoot yourself in the foot like that, you don’t deserve to win Uno games.”
Allen opened the game brilliantly, laying down a series of ‘Reverse’, ‘Skip’ and ‘Draw 2’s that left his opponents staggered. But as the cards in his hand dwindled and victory was within his grasp, the wheels suddenly fell off. He made unforced errors, like when he drew a card because he didn’t have a red, even though he could have played his yellow nine atop the red nine in the discard pile.
But even though he was his own worst enemy down the stretch, he still managed to put himself in position to win. And it seemed he’d learned from past mistakes, saving a Wild Draw 4 for his last card.
It was his turn. There was technically no way he could lose… but Josh Allen inexplicably found a way.
For Allen, it’s simply sad. This was a golden opportunity, one he may never get again. “It’s going to stick with me for a long time,” Allen said. “Losing Uno games is not fun.”
Allen, who regularly beats his siblings in trivial games like ‘rock-paper-scissors’ and ‘toss dirty undies into the hamper from distance’, became the first dude to live for 30 years without winning an Uno game.
What’s more, Allen became the second player in the last 5 decades to have a Wild Draw 4 as his last card and still lose, joining Dallas’ Tony Romo, who accomplished the feat against his children back in January 2007 when he inexplicably fumbled his last card to the table, leaving fans with questions that still haunt them: was the card new and therefore too slick to grip properly? Did Romo secretly have money on the game?
But Bills coach Sean McDermott defended Allen.
“I’m extremely proud of Josh. He’s a tremendous person, tremendous leader, tremendous Uno player. Yeah, there are decisions we all want back. But he even though when the lights are brightest he constantly folds like a cowardly poker player, Josh doesn’t lack the clutch gene. I swear.”
At press time, Allen was seen complaining to his mom that his little sister wouldn’t stop dramatically squeezing her throat and gagging in his general direction.