Puka Nacua to Play Cannibal Receiver in ‘Silence of the Rams’

HOLLYWOOD—LA Rams star wide receiver Puka Nacua made a big move off the field Tuesday when he landed the starring role in a new movie from Amazon MGM entitled ‘Silence of the Rams’. A reboot of the 90’s classic psychological horror thriller ‘Silence of the Lambs’, Puka is set to play Hannibal ‘The Cannibal’ Lector. 

“I auditioned hundreds of actors, including Brad, Leo, and Glen Powell, that wet cardboard in human form who the studios keep trying to force feed us to accept as a movie star,” famed director David Fincher said. “And none of them understood the character. But when I saw Puka in the headlines again, getting a trial date for biting a woman’s shoulder and thumb, I knew I’d found my Hannibal.”

A modern reboot of the original film, the movie is told from the perspective of an NFL wide receiver who is paid millions of dollars to catch a ball, yet for some fucking reason, he can’t stop himself from biting human beings. Is he insane? Does he have rabies? We’ll have to watch the movie to find out. 

Like Al Pacino playing Michael Corleone and Ray Rice whooping his girlfriend’s ass on that elevator security tape, it seems Puka was born for this role. According to his mother, Penina Nacua, she knew Puka was special at an early age. “As a child, Puka bit the heads off his sister’s Barbies and refused to eat chicken fingers unless I painted fingernails on them.” 

At press time, Puka was already in talks with Sony Pictures to star in another role he seems born to play: an anti-Semitic Dracula in Mel Gibson’s “I Vant to Suck Your Blood… Wait, Ew, Not Yours. Gross.”