Harrison Butker Opens All-Girls Academy Dedicated To Teaching Girls How Not To Read
KANSAS CITY—Taking a cue from philanthropist Oprah Winfrey, Chiefs kicker Harrison Butker opened an all-girl’s boarding school on Monday. Called ‘The Butker Leadership Academy for Girls’, its mission is simple: teach girls how not to read.
“What’s going on in society today is just plain sad,” Butker said. “Our women are falling behind. Everywhere you look, you see females reading and writing. Earning degrees. Working. Playing sports. Driving cars. Going out in public showing their nude ankles. It’s disgusting.” Butker paused, visibly upset before continuing. “When I saw a woman doing the unthinkable, actually running for president, I knew I had to act. So I opened a school to empower young women to thrive in the 21st century.”
Butker designed the curriculum himself, which boasts course titles including: ‘Laundry 101: Cold Cycle vs Warm’, ‘Baking for Dummies (AKA anyone with a cooter)’, ‘Stop Talking: You Are Made From A Man’s Rib’ and ‘The Art of Shutting Up and Making a Sandwich’.
His wife Isabelle, whom Butker praised as a ‘homemaker’ during a controversial commencement address at Benedictine College, supports her husband’s latest venture. “I am so proud of Mr. Butker. He’s so wise. So strong. So powerful. I’m so glad the Lord chose me to be his helpmeet.”
During the interview, Isabelle read Pete the Cat to her 5-year-old son James. Her 3 year-old daughter Hephzibah, which means ‘dumb servant’ in Aramaic, sat in her mother’s lap wearing industrial-grade ear muffs to block her from hearing a book being read aloud.
When asked how she, a former NCAA athlete, felt when Harrison said her life “truly started when she began living her vocation as a wife and a mother,” Isabelle laughed and said she actually loves being in her kitchen. Then she passed a napkin across the table that had ‘help me’ scrawled across it in baby food.
Butker’s first hire for his all-girls academy was principal Aunt Lydia, from the Handmaid’s Tale. “With her experience running a re-education facility that breaks women physically and psychologically to force them into servitude, who better to mentor our young girls?” Butker noted.
At press time, Aunt Lydia was seen at the school’s assembly belting out a rousing rendition of Alicia Keys’ pro-woman anthem ‘This Girl is on Fire’, during which Butker poured lighter fluid on a 12-year-old girl and set her on fire as punishment for expressing an opinion.