Chiefs Sign Justin Tucker After Beating Out R. Kelly, Diddy, and Bill Cosby In Open Tryout
KANSAS CITY–The Chiefs have signed five-time All-Pro kicker Justin Tucker to their practice squad after a competitive tryout that included R. Kelly, Diddy, and Bill Cosby, sources told NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport and ESPN’s Adam Schefter.
Tucker did not play last season after being accused of sexual misconduct by 16 massage therapists. He called the allegations “unequivocally false” in spite of the fact all 16 women successfully picked his dingus out of a police lineup.
The Chiefs are desperate to find a new kicker thanks to Harrison Butker’s struggles this year. The former Pro-Bowler has missed five of 16 field goals and repeatedly shouted at cheerleaders to ‘go home and knead some bread you Babylonian whores!’
Responding to critics who questioned whether serial sexual abusers should have a place on the Chiefs roster, head coach Andy Reid said, “As long as they can get it through the uprights, what they do in their spare time is none of my bees wax. Heck, my hobbies include entering Wilfred Brimley look-a-like competitions. Justin’s hobbies include leaving a pool of piping hot ejaculate on massage tables. Who am I to judge?”
According to sources, the other kicking candidates showed promise, but ultimately weren’t a fit. “Diddy had a very strong leg thanks to dancing around in Biggie Smalls’ videos, but the holder could never catch the snap successfully because Diddy’s footballs were drenched in baby oil. R. Kelly consistently split the uprights, but he took a bathroom break and urinated on the long snapper. Reid actually offered Bill Cosby the job after the disgraced comedian hit from 60 plus yards, but changed his mind after The Cos roofied Patrick Mahomes’s Gatorade.”
At press time, the Chiefs were exploring more options and had called the Browns to inquire if fellow massage therapist sexual assaulter Deshaun Watson could kick.
