Trump Launches Operation Warp Speed 2.0 to Stop Spread of Pat McAfee
WASHINGTON DC—The Pat McAfee pandemic is here, and the White House is determined to stop it. Under pressure from lawmakers, activist groups, and Dr. Fauci, President Trump has partnered with Pfizer to create a vaccine that stops the spread of Pat McAfee.
“The science is in. Pat McAfee is not like other sports commentators. He’s contagious and dangerous. And he is spreading,” Dr. Fauci explained. “We’re in another pandemic, folks, and unfortunately this time, a cloth mask won’t stop it.”
CDC Director Dr. Erica Schwartz described the McAfee virus, it’s spread, and the unprecedented danger it poses: “The first cases of McAfee on local Indianapolis radio in 2015, and then spread to Barstool Sports, which carried it out of Indiana sparking cases across the country. By 2026, it has escalated to a global pandemic. McAfee is now unavoidable: seen strutting with President Trump at the Patriot Games, bombarding the public with rants on his ESPN show, and bloviating on his podcast. He’s infected Monday Night Countdown now, and he even released a hip-hop / country album. For those of you in denial, wake the hell up. The Pat McAfee pandemic is going to destroy our society if we don’t act now.”
According to experts, Pat McAfee has overtaken Ebola as the #1 cause of projectile vomiting. “Until we can make a vaccine, shelter in place”, Dr. Schwartz advised. “Do not turn on ESPN. Do not listen to any podcasts. Do not smoke a bowl and do a 3am Google search for the ‘absolute shittiest album in the history of dung.’ And if you do happen to get Pat McAfee in your eyes, flush with a saline solution for 2 hours and pray to the deity of your choice. Zeus, the blue one with all the arms, whatever.”
At press time, Pat McAfee had been named the head coach of the Los Angeles Lakers, joined J-Hope and Jung Kook as the newest member of South Korean supergroup BTS, and was elected president of your local school board.
*Editor’s note: All of us at Pigskin Fantasy want to remind you all to stay vigilant. Together, we will defeat the Pat McAfee virus. Things will return to normal.