Vikings Crawl Back To Kirk Cousins, Insist Short Guy and Redhead Meant Nothing
MINNESOTA–After a flood of flowers, begging, and standing outside his home in a trench coat holding a boom box aloft playing Peter Gabriel songs, the Vikings convinced jilted quarterback Kirk Cousins to get back together on Tuesday.
Sources told ESPN’s Adam Schefter and NFL Network’s Ian Rapoport and Mike Garafolo that Cousins initially balked at the idea, feeling he and the Raiders were in a healthier relationship.
“Kirk thought he and the Vikings were in a happy relationship back in 2023, and felt blindsided that Minnesota wanted to play the field with other QBs”, Schefter explained.
And when Kirk saw who the Viking’s new fling was, he felt it was a slap in the face. “It’s one thing to be dumped for Tom Brady,” Rapoport said. “But a 4’9″ short king who constantly calls out sick from work and plays video games all day? That’s who your ex thinks is better than you? It was a hard pill for Kirk to swallow.”
And while his social media image with Las Vegas was all fun, smiles, and chicken wing dances, sources close to the situation say there was trouble in his new relationship. “They started off strong,” sources say, “but Kirk always knew Las Vegas had a thing for younger, Latin men who love their mommy. He had a feeling he was going to be dumped sooner rather than later.”
Cousins got his hopes up that Minnesota would come crawling back when his ex broke up with their tiny new man. But when Minnesota hooked up with a red-headed dude that looks like Ed Sheeran and throws a football like he’s in love with the shape of poo, Kirk had never felt embarrassed and disrespected.
To win him back, the Vikings gave up a lot. In addition to never taking Cousins for granted again, making him feel heard, and validating his feelings, Minnesota promised to delete their Tinder profile, watch Devil Wears Prada 2 without any snide comments, and cut the drinking down to three beers a night.
