Deshaun Watson Enters Concussion Protocol, Forgets He’s Not Allowed To Expose Himself Anymore
CLEVELAND–Deshaun Watson has been placed in the concussion protocol after forgetting he’s not allowed to expose his penis to random people anymore.
“During the first quarter of Sunday’s game against the Steelers, Deshaun took a helmet-to-helmet hit,” the team said in a statement Wednesday morning. “The ATC spotter called down to the sideline, and the Unaffiliated Neurotrauma Consultant (UNC) decided there was no need to administer a gameday concussion evaluation. Deshaun was cleared by the UNC and returned on the Browns’ next offensive series. As part of the protocol, the team’s medical staff evaluated him again postgame and Monday morning. Both times he showed no symptoms, passed his evaluations, and was cleared. On Tuesday morning, he reported to the medical staff that he began experiencing concussion symptoms Monday night and was immediately placed in the concussion protocol.”
According to reports, Watson experienced his first symptom when he asked his Uber driver if she liked helicopters. When the driver answered in the affirmative, Watson tugged his bacon bazooka out of his trousers and gyrated his hips in a circular motion, causing his heat-seeking moisture missile to spin around like the blades of a helicopter.
His agent, David Mulugheta, reminded Watson that he wasn’t allowed to do that anymore, and advised Watson that the star QB had “270 million reasons to put your copter back in the hangar”.
But Watson soon forgot the message. According to sources, after dinner at Outback Steakhouse, Watson informed the waitress he was going to leave a generous tip, which came in the form of him laying his womb-broom atop his half-eaten Bloomin’ Onion.
The final straw came when Watson went for dessert at Cold-Stone Creamery and vigorously masturbated into a waffle cone. Upon climaxing, Watson looked around at the stunned ice cream scooper and mortified customers and realized he had made a mistake. “Oh yeah, Coach Monken said I’m not supposed to do this anymore.” It was then that the NFL quarterback called Browns’ medical staff to report that he was suffering concussion symptoms.
Watson will remain in the concussion protocol until he clears the various steps, the main one being to stop exposing his Schlong-zilla. Until then, Shedeur Sanders will presumably be the starter, unless the coaching staff comes to their senses and pivots to Dillon Gabriel.
For the 5-3 Browns, this is a significant development. The team is in the mix for the AFC North title with the 6-2 Steelers and 5-2 Bengals. Picking up a fourth loss without Watson, who threw for an impressive 324 yards in the 27-6 loss at Pittsburgh, will make that much harder to accomplish, especially with Watson wandering the sidelines with his fleshy Winnebego dangling out of his football pants.
