Jerry Jones Offers To Purchase Kyler Murray, Reminded That’s Illegal Now

DALLAS—Stunning NFL fans and Civil Rights activists alike, longtime Cowboys owner Jerry Jones made an offer Tuesday to purchase Vikings QB Kyler Murray. “I don’t want his rights as a player, mind you. I want to take him home with me,” said the octogenarian in his distinctive Arkansas drawl.

According to sources inside Jones’ family, Jerry first got the itch to own a tiny African-American while watching classic ‘80s sitcoms Diff’rent Strokes and Webster. “He was obsessed with Emmanuel Lewis’ hijinks and would watch for hours. Days, even,” Jerry’s son Stephen said. “Me and my siblings thought it was super fucking weird, but if we ever questioned daddy, we’d have to go and find real jobs and we’re basically unemployable. We harbor no illusions.” Stephen looked down to his loafers and shuffled off with a melancholy sigh.

When asked what he planned to do with the diminutive quarterback should the purchase somehow go through, Jerry shared, “Besides ironing my Confederate flag, I’ll have him put on a red onesie at Christmas time and sit atop my shelf.”

At press time, the NFLPA was threatening to file a grievance, the NAACP was planning a boycott, and Murray’s agent Drew Rosenhaus was mulling the offer.